Browsing All posts tagged under »Republicans«

An Idea Worth Considering: Tom Waits for President

August 9, 2016


It’s here again: presidential general election season. Time, once more, to suffer through those ridiculous talking points and attack ads as the usual passel of rented baboons tries to bum-rush the electorate and steal the brass ring. It’s enough to make your brain go soft. Is Tom Waits such an outrageous choice for President? Can […]

Fox & Friends Blows Lid Off Obama’s Secret Underground Alien Sex Colony

October 9, 2013


New York, NY The Fox News Network’s morning show: Fox & Friends, continued a recent hot streak Wednesday when host Steve Doocy revealed details of an underground alien sex colony in Kenya operated by President Obama and other top Democrats. “President Barack Hussein Obama and his liberal harem have, for years, been re-routing defense department […]

Big Bird to Moderate Tonight’s Presidential Debate; Missing Jim Lehrer Feared Euthanized

October 9, 2012


PBS executives today announced plans to install iconic muppet Big Bird in the moderator’s chair for Tuesday night’s presidential debate. In related events, Thursday’s previously scheduled moderator – CNN chief political correspondent Candy Crowley – and former moderator Jim Lehrer, are both reported missing. Big Bird, the feathery, relentlessly upbeat 8-foot yellow muppet of unknown […]

GOP: Obama Also Stole Nation’s Onion Ring Supply

August 30, 2012


GOP Convention- Tampa, FL Continuing to blame the Obama administration for a host of perceived transgressions and failures, GOP lawmakers hammered the President Wednesday for failing to discover the lost city of Atlantis and for not inventing a 12-cylinder sports car that runs on Mountain Dew, among other things. “President Obama promised to keep our […]

Tales from the Republican Funhouse- Part 4: Things I Learned Watching the GOP Convention

August 29, 2012


Tampa, FL It seemed cosmically appropriate that Hurricane Isaac would be bearing down on New Orleans as the GOP broke out their fiddles last night. Even more appropriate that Chris Christie, the party’s Nero-sized bacchanalian superhero-in-waiting, would be on hand to give the keynote address. What commenced during a program of me-first showmanship most notable […]

Batman and Akin; the Continuing Adventures

August 22, 2012


Doppelgangers! A Republican Parlor Game

July 23, 2012


Wisconsin Man Describes Inexplicable Urge to “Punch Mitt Romney in the Face”

July 9, 2012


A Wisconsin man gave voice to a growing conservative uncertainty Friday when he went public with a bizarre claim of blood lust. “I want to punch Mitt Romney in the face and I don’t know why,” a visibly confused J. Stanford Williams proclaimed. “I can’t stop thinking about it.” “I don’t know what it is,” he […]

Desperate Rick Perry Wants to Know What’s Bothering You- So He Can Create A YouTube Spot That Specifically Addresses Your Needs

December 9, 2011


Austin, Texas Using the script from his Strong video as a template, Rick Perry is reportedly holed up in the Texas governor’s mansion, standing in front of a green-screen as he attempts to create over 3 thousand YouTube videos and cover every issue important to American voters, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant it […]

A Message to the Ladies from Herman Cain, On the Occasion of His Withdrawal From Presidential Consideration

December 4, 2011


Ladies, I can only assume you’ve heard the news. I can only imagine how upset you must be. Well, it’s true- I was recently forced to resign my bid for the presidency due to a few ungrateful bitches deleterious circumstances beyond my control. I’m saddened to report that Herman Cain will not be your next president. I’m […]

A Special Message From Herman Cain to Unemployed Women Everywhere

November 9, 2011


Ladies, There’s an awful lot of sexual harassment talk going around right now. I’m sure you’ve heard it. People are saying that Herman Cain takes advantage of women. They’re saying that Herman Cain is a perv. That he’s skeevy. Well, I’m here to say that Herman Cain absolutely and unequivocally has not done any of […]

Election 2012- Tales From the Republican Funhouse: Part 3

October 26, 2011


The Whitest White Guy I Know; Last Man Standing Division Mitt Romney Of all the Republicans afflicted with oval office-itis (of those with an actual shot at the nomination, that is), I think I like Mitt Romney the most. By “like” I mean “am least disturbed by his particular brand of oily bullshit…” by “most” […]

Election 2012- Tales From the Republican Funhouse: Part 2

October 23, 2011


Part 2 in a three-part series where we handicap the candidates for the Republican nomination (check out Part 1 here). A quick recap: No Chance In Hell; Eminence Grise Division: Newt Gingrich  Newt Gingrich, blah blah corpulent troll blah blah black magic blah blah occult blah blah eek! blah blah blah.   No Chance In Hell; […]

Election 2012- Tales from the Republican Funhouse: Part 1

October 20, 2011


Las Vegas, Tues. October 19th Not a week after Hank Williams Jr. earned the ire of Fox News Corp. by comparing President Obama to Adolph Hitler on the Fox and Friends morning show, and word is filtering through the crowd here that the man himself may make an appearance at tonight’s Republican debate. It sounds […]

Texas Governor Rick Perry Is Not A Racist: A Plea For Sanity

October 8, 2011


It’s been a big story over the last few weeks; that the family of Texas governor and presidential candidate Rick Perry owned and operated a hunting camp in West Texas known as “Niggerhead.” Apparently, the word was painted on a big flat rock by the entrance to the camp, announcing the name to all who passed […]