Browsing All posts tagged under »Humor«

Rewriting History: Archie Bunker

November 13, 2016


Bunker, a lovable old coot with passionate opinions about “spics, coons, fags, and queers,” was a refreshing reminder that old-world white male attitudes were still acceptable in the changing moral climate of the early 1970s. ‘All in the Family,’ the TV show that launched the Archie Bunker character into American popular culture, was initially interpreted […]

An Idea Worth Considering: Tom Waits for President

August 9, 2016


It’s here again: presidential general election season. Time, once more, to suffer through those ridiculous talking points and attack ads as the usual passel of rented baboons tries to bum-rush the electorate and steal the brass ring. It’s enough to make your brain go soft. Is Tom Waits such an outrageous choice for President? Can […]

On Birds, Fifth Graders and ‘We Will Rock You’

May 8, 2016


So I’m sitting here looking out the window and thinking to myself that I must be getting old because I’m totally in love with the concept of #birds. I mean, how awesome is it that there are these little creatures that flit around chirping and trilling and they come in all shapes and sizes and […]

Monkeys Frighten Me

December 1, 2015


You wanna know what really terrifies me? #monkeys   They’re out there, just waiting for that evolutionary intelligence upgrade to kick in.  And when it does? We’ll be toast; running for the hills while they rifle the bank vaults and taunt us in their little scooters.

In Response to: ‘Phil Collins Is One of the Most Important Musicians Alive’

September 18, 2015


Thanks to the miracles of Facebook and the Interwebs, I came across this article on a site called ‘Shortlist’ the other day: It’s a short piece. Read it if you’re so inclined. The gist? This Shortlist writer considers Phil Collins to be ‘one of the most important musicians alive.’ We all have our differences […]

American Masters on PBS: Nutty About the Nuge

August 16, 2015


The American Masters series and the Jane Goodall Foundation for Excellence in Simian Endeavors join forces for the first time to explore the life and work of musician, pundit, dried animal jerky entrepreneur and unincarcerated pedophile Ted Nugent, a human/orangutan halfbreed, who has had an extraordinary career in the musical arts. Filmmakers Derek Ben-Duron and […]

Why Airlines Should Hire Mimes to Give the In-Flight Safety Demo

July 20, 2014


Observations from a recent plane trip to FLA… I’ve never understood why airlines don’t hire mimes to do the in-flight safety demonstration. Seems like such a missed opportunity. Can’t you picture a mime walking you through the life vest safety procedure with his invisible safety vest? He’d be pulling the invisible safety cords, then making […]

Farewell, Good Friend

June 20, 2014


June 18th, 2014 Our son Oliver died today. He was twelve. He was a cat. Yes, I know calling him ‘son’ is a bit of a stretch, especially to people who don’t have animals or whose hearts aren’t shaped in that very specific way, but that’s what he was — a son. My girlfriend and […]

It’s Movember, Let’s Talk About…Balls

November 16, 2013


It’s Movember, and since I can’t grow a mustache to save my life, I’d like to take a minute to talk about…testicles. Hear me out. Ladies, I’m not going to pretend to know your struggles. Yes, a small hiccup in the chromosome distribution system has enabled one branch of the human gender tree to get […]

Give the Gift of New England This Halloween — A Special Offer from Bay State Language Systems

October 24, 2013


Bay State Language Systems, the country’s leading training authority in the upper-Northeastern linguistic sciences, is proud to bring you an offer that will transform this year’s Halloween into a frighteningly original all-ages celebration for the entire family. How often have you said to yourself, “You know, all the good Halloween costumes are taken.” Let Bay […]

Fox & Friends Blows Lid Off Obama’s Secret Underground Alien Sex Colony

October 9, 2013


New York, NY The Fox News Network’s morning show: Fox & Friends, continued a recent hot streak Wednesday when host Steve Doocy revealed details of an underground alien sex colony in Kenya operated by President Obama and other top Democrats. “President Barack Hussein Obama and his liberal harem have, for years, been re-routing defense department […]

Lazy Sunday: Sad New Dispatches from the Increasingly Most Marginally Engaging Man in the World

August 4, 2013


I usually eschew the first person on this blog, not out of any innate sense of modesty but because it implies I’m speaking to an actual audience. A better analogy for what goes on here might be this: me standing in the Housewares aisle at Target, making non-sequitur announcements through a bullhorn while people shop […]

Bud Light Unveils New “Dogsbreath” and “Soft Chewy Squirrel” Flavors

July 24, 2013


St. Louis, MO Anheuser-Busch senior director of brand strategy Riley Berringhauer today announced the release of two new flavors in the Bud Light product channel. “We’re extremely fortunate to be able to offer Bud Light drinkers two great, new ways to drink Bud Light: Bud Light Dogsbreath and Bud Light Soft Chewy Squirrel. I may […]

“Hot As a Motherfucker” Still Tops in Weather-Related “Motherfucker” Similes

July 17, 2013


The National Weather Service today named the phrase “Hot as a Motherfucker” the most popular weather-related “motherfucker” simile for the second straight year, narrowly edging out past winners “Cold as a Motherfucker,” “Windy as a Motherfucker” and sentimental favorite “Hot Out this Motherfucker,” according to a National Weather Service spokesperson. Honorable mentions this year include […]

100 Year-Old Jimmy Hoffa Found Working as Informant for Federal Jimmy Hoffa Task Force

June 19, 2013


Phoenix, AZ The search for Jimmy Hoffa’s body ended Tuesday when federal authorities found the former Teamster’s president dialing in a “tip” to FBI agents from a pay phone in his Phoenix-area assisted living facility. “My guy in New York says you need to look under the KFC on West Grand Boulevard in Melvindale,” Hoffa […]

New Lynyrd Skynyrd Guitarist ‘Enjoying the Ride’

May 9, 2013


Jacksonville, FL Three months ago, Jimmy Lynn Montgomery was just happy to be scratching out a living on the southern club circuit. After two decades lost to alcohol and substance abuse problems, he knew he was lucky to be alive and making music at all, even at backwoods roadhouses for $50 a night. Today, as […]

This Week on Amish Mafia

May 2, 2013


This week on Amish Mafia: Jeremiah brings his Gun of the Hand to the Lancaster rumschpringa and says, “Ich bin die…” to Lindy Lengacher and the Herschberger-Schwartz clan. And the Swartzendruber sisters are on a bender — up to their bonnets in black-market wicker and gingham until a police chase ends in a buggy bust-up […]

Beef Ice Cream; It’s What’s for Dessert

March 11, 2013


Great ideas are born every day. Sometimes, they’re born of need (think of the cotton gin or the printing press). Sometimes, they’re born of necessity (the catapult, the ball peen hammer, my tin foil Hello Venus! helmet) and sometimes they’re just born, *poof,* out of someone’s brain for no other reason than just because. I’d […]

Time Traveling Reporter Worried He Might Unsuspectingly Erase Own Exis

March 8, 2013


Trump Fires Hair. Hair Says, “Whatever.”

March 7, 2013


New York, NY Real estate tycoon Donald Trump is back in the news, firing his hair Thursday after learning it had inked a three-book deal with publishing imprint William Morrow. “My hair is fired,” Trump informed reporters. “It might have a book deal. It might have representation. But it is fired hair. It won’t work […]

Florida Man Calls Off Search for Missing Ham Sandwich

March 6, 2013


Punta Gorda, FL Herman Clemlittle, a retired accountant and self-described ‘deli meats enthusiast’ from central Florida, has shut down search operations for the ham sandwich he misplaced last week. “It’s taking too goddamn much time,” an exhausted Clemlittle complained. “I’ll just make another one.” A frantic Clemlittle telephoned security personnel in his gated retirement community […]

Parents Still a Gigantic Pain in the Ass, According to New Kids’ Poll

March 2, 2013


Results of the 2012 Fisher Price Kids’ Poll, an informal polling of randomly selected  children aged 2 to 12, were released Thursday, confirming what all children have long suspected: parents are a total buzzkill. “No!” pouts little Jessica Park, 3, of Bellevue, WA when asked if she thinks her parents are too strict. “YES!” she […]

Big Bird to Moderate Tonight’s Presidential Debate; Missing Jim Lehrer Feared Euthanized

October 9, 2012


PBS executives today announced plans to install iconic muppet Big Bird in the moderator’s chair for Tuesday night’s presidential debate. In related events, Thursday’s previously scheduled moderator – CNN chief political correspondent Candy Crowley – and former moderator Jim Lehrer, are both reported missing. Big Bird, the feathery, relentlessly upbeat 8-foot yellow muppet of unknown […]

GOP: Obama Also Stole Nation’s Onion Ring Supply

August 30, 2012


GOP Convention- Tampa, FL Continuing to blame the Obama administration for a host of perceived transgressions and failures, GOP lawmakers hammered the President Wednesday for failing to discover the lost city of Atlantis and for not inventing a 12-cylinder sports car that runs on Mountain Dew, among other things. “President Obama promised to keep our […]

Tales from the Republican Funhouse- Part 4: Things I Learned Watching the GOP Convention

August 29, 2012


Tampa, FL It seemed cosmically appropriate that Hurricane Isaac would be bearing down on New Orleans as the GOP broke out their fiddles last night. Even more appropriate that Chris Christie, the party’s Nero-sized bacchanalian superhero-in-waiting, would be on hand to give the keynote address. What commenced during a program of me-first showmanship most notable […]

We’re Number 8,124,118!!! Here’s How We’re Celebrating Our New, Improved Alexa Ranking

August 24, 2012


I had never known about the existence of the Alexa rankings until 5 days ago. If you’ve never heard of them- the Alexa rankings are a statistical ranking of websites based on analytics devised by Alexa- a company that bills itself as “the web information company.” I was made hip to this little nugget of […]

Batman and Akin; the Continuing Adventures

August 22, 2012


Keef Chronicles: The Keith Richards Reader

August 2, 2012


Last June, a funny thing happened: two people got together for dinner. One was a former U.S. President, state governor, law school graduate and general all-around “doer of good deeds” who has dedicated his life, with a few notable transgressions, to public service. The other was a former junkie of spectacular notoriety, founding member of […]

Chick-fil-A Supporters Speak Out Against Gay Chickens

August 1, 2012


Two weeks after Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy stirred controversy by revealing a financial connection between Chick-fil-A and anti-homosexual groups, Chick-fil-A supporters are fed up. Stung by accusations of intolerance and adamant that being intolerant is a way of exercising their free speech, many are speaking out against what they perceive to be an unjust prejudice […]

Chick-fil-A to Serve Only “Gay Chicken” Sandwiches at New Boston Franchise

July 26, 2012


Boston, MA Representatives of Atlanta-based Chick-fil-A today announced an agreement with Boston city officials to allow for the opening of a Chick-fil-A franchise by the end of 2012. According to sources, Boston’s Chick-fil-A store will serve “only chicken sandwiches made from gay and lesbian chickens,” as a condition of the agreement. The news comes on the […]

Doppelgangers! A Republican Parlor Game

July 23, 2012


Nominated for “One Lovely Blog” Award, Furious Machine Disappears on Bender

July 19, 2012


Boston, MA Friends and family of WordPress blogger Furious Machine fear for his safety and well-being after he left a trail of destruction Wednesday night through greater Boston and Massachusetts’ Metro West. “We just want Furious to know that, no matter what he’s done, it’s okay to come home,” said a distraught Gloria Machine to […]

Helpful Mailman Reminding Everyone “It’s Not the Heat, It’s the Humidity”

July 18, 2012


Bethel, NY Local mail carrier Charles “Chuck” Shandell took to the streets of Bethel this morning, maintaining an unflappably chipper demeanor even as the world around him was wilting under the stultifying July heat. “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity,” Chuck stressed to all the folks along his route, adding that he couldn’t wait […]

7 Bananas Is More Bananas Than 5 Bananas, Monkey Scientists Confirm

July 12, 2012


A team of monkey scientists at the Collings Institute in Minneapolis confirmed Monday that 7 bananas is a larger quantity of bananas than 5 bananas, signaling a formal end to a debate that has raged in monkey circles for centuries. Already, experts are predicting that this startling revelation will prove a boon to the fragile […]

Striking Ventriloquist’s Dummies Begin Fourth Week Without Pay

July 10, 2012


Striking members of the International Brotherhood of Wooden Elocutionists elected to begin “phase 2” of their protest Monday, further prolonging a work-stoppage that has crippled geriatric entertainers and comedian Jeff Dunham. The “dummies,” among whose demands is the stipulation that they be referred to as “vocal reception engineers,” walked out, as it were, on June […]