Browsing All posts tagged under »Food«

Beef Ice Cream; It’s What’s for Dessert

March 11, 2013


Great ideas are born every day. Sometimes, they’re born of need (think of the cotton gin or the printing press). Sometimes, they’re born of necessity (the catapult, the ball peen hammer, my tin foil Hello Venus! helmet) and sometimes they’re just born, *poof,* out of someone’s brain for no other reason than just because. I’d […]

Florida Man Calls Off Search for Missing Ham Sandwich

March 6, 2013


Punta Gorda, FL Herman Clemlittle, a retired accountant and self-described ‘deli meats enthusiast’ from central Florida, has shut down search operations for the ham sandwich he misplaced last week. “It’s taking too goddamn much time,” an exhausted Clemlittle complained. “I’ll just make another one.” A frantic Clemlittle telephoned security personnel in his gated retirement community […]

GOP: Obama Also Stole Nation’s Onion Ring Supply

August 30, 2012


GOP Convention- Tampa, FL Continuing to blame the Obama administration for a host of perceived transgressions and failures, GOP lawmakers hammered the President Wednesday for failing to discover the lost city of Atlantis and for not inventing a 12-cylinder sports car that runs on Mountain Dew, among other things. “President Obama promised to keep our […]

Chick-fil-A Supporters Speak Out Against Gay Chickens

August 1, 2012


Two weeks after Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy stirred controversy by revealing a financial connection between Chick-fil-A and anti-homosexual groups, Chick-fil-A supporters are fed up. Stung by accusations of intolerance and adamant that being intolerant is a way of exercising their free speech, many are speaking out against what they perceive to be an unjust prejudice […]

Chick-fil-A to Serve Only “Gay Chicken” Sandwiches at New Boston Franchise

July 26, 2012


Boston, MA Representatives of Atlanta-based Chick-fil-A today announced an agreement with Boston city officials to allow for the opening of a Chick-fil-A franchise by the end of 2012. According to sources, Boston’s Chick-fil-A store will serve “only chicken sandwiches made from gay and lesbian chickens,” as a condition of the agreement. The news comes on the […]

Nominated for “One Lovely Blog” Award, Furious Machine Disappears on Bender

July 19, 2012


Boston, MA Friends and family of WordPress blogger Furious Machine fear for his safety and well-being after he left a trail of destruction Wednesday night through greater Boston and Massachusetts’ Metro West. “We just want Furious to know that, no matter what he’s done, it’s okay to come home,” said a distraught Gloria Machine to […]

7 Bananas Is More Bananas Than 5 Bananas, Monkey Scientists Confirm

July 12, 2012


A team of monkey scientists at the Collings Institute in Minneapolis confirmed Monday that 7 bananas is a larger quantity of bananas than 5 bananas, signaling a formal end to a debate that has raged in monkey circles for centuries. Already, experts are predicting that this startling revelation will prove a boon to the fragile […]

Eating That M&M You Just Dropped on the Floor Potentially Hazardous, Authorities Warn

June 29, 2012


New York, NY Authorities warned Tuesday that eating the M&M you just dropped on your kitchen floor could pose a serious public health risk. “It’s not the M&M we’re worried about so much as the hygiene level of your apartment in general,” explained NYC Health Department spokesman Victor Gonzales. “Your kitchen- it’s like a ptomaine […]

Cheddar Cheese Statue of Abe Lincoln Elected to SC Congressional Seat

June 27, 2012


Jasper, SC Citizens of South Carolina’s 2nd congressional district voted Tuesday to elect a cheddar cheese-statue of Abraham Lincoln to the House of Representatives, becoming the first district in American history to send an inanimate object to Congress. The general election comes on the heels of the conviction of former 2nd district congressman, Enos “Billy […]

Gefilte Fish Named Supermarket Today’s “Least Appealing Product” For 29th Straight Year

June 26, 2012


Narrowly edging out a few upstart contenders, the mighty Manischewitz Gefilte Fish has been named “Least Appealing Product” by the readers of supermarket trade publication Supermarket Today for an unprecedented 29th consecutive year. “It’s a stinky little fish train that just keeps on rolling,” says an admiring Mitchell Burr, Supermarket Today’s editor-in-chief. “We should probably make the award […]

Food Network to Debut New Series: “Grilled Cheese America”

June 6, 2012


-New York, NY Bob Tuschman, Food Network senior vice president for programming and production, today announced the debut of a new Food Network series devoted entirely to a beloved American staple: the grilled cheese sandwich. Grilled Cheese America with Jimmy Bascomb will be a weekly celebration of America’s favorite gooey, cheesy delight. Bascomb and his […]

Mayor McCheese Loses Reelection Bid, Becomes “Honorary City Councilor In Charge of Special Projects” McCheese

May 31, 2012


Ending a 40-year-run as the iconic Number 1 Public Official of McDonaldland, Mayor McCheese is stepping down after failing to win reelection and will accept an honorary position with the McDonaldland City Council. “Let it be known that Remington McCheese’s many years of service and dedication to the people of McDonaldland are a legacy that […]

Reader Mailbag: The ‘Journey’ Dilemma, Strange BBQ, and My Brief Prison Stint

August 4, 2011


It’s been about a month since I started this goofy screed and in that time, like lonely iron filings to a rusted old magnet, I’ve managed to attract a few dribs and drabs of correspondence. Most have been encouraging, some have been confusing and still others have looked like drunk dials intended for whereabouts unknown. […]

100 Words On: The Taco Bell Piano Guy

July 9, 2011


You probably don’t recognize him now, but he had his moment in the sun a few months ago when Taco Bell rolled out the spots for their ‘Quad Steak’ burrito. This is the man who stared into the face of one of the moldiest comic clichés in existence, the unctuous lounge singer, and refused to […]