Browsing All Posts filed under »Marginalia«

An Idea Worth Considering: Tom Waits for President

August 9, 2016


It’s here again: presidential general election season. Time, once more, to suffer through those ridiculous talking points and attack ads as the usual passel of rented baboons tries to bum-rush the electorate and steal the brass ring. It’s enough to make your brain go soft. Is Tom Waits such an outrageous choice for President? Can […]

On Birds, Fifth Graders and ‘We Will Rock You’

May 8, 2016


So I’m sitting here looking out the window and thinking to myself that I must be getting old because I’m totally in love with the concept of #birds. I mean, how awesome is it that there are these little creatures that flit around chirping and trilling and they come in all shapes and sizes and […]

Monkeys Frighten Me

December 1, 2015


You wanna know what really terrifies me? #monkeys   They’re out there, just waiting for that evolutionary intelligence upgrade to kick in.  And when it does? We’ll be toast; running for the hills while they rifle the bank vaults and taunt us in their little scooters.

In Response to: ‘Phil Collins Is One of the Most Important Musicians Alive’

September 18, 2015


Thanks to the miracles of Facebook and the Interwebs, I came across this article on a site called ‘Shortlist’ the other day: It’s a short piece. Read it if you’re so inclined. The gist? This Shortlist writer considers Phil Collins to be ‘one of the most important musicians alive.’ We all have our differences […]

American Masters on PBS: Nutty About the Nuge

August 16, 2015


The American Masters series and the Jane Goodall Foundation for Excellence in Simian Endeavors join forces for the first time to explore the life and work of musician, pundit, dried animal jerky entrepreneur and unincarcerated pedophile Ted Nugent, a human/orangutan halfbreed, who has had an extraordinary career in the musical arts. Filmmakers Derek Ben-Duron and […]

Kindergarten NRA: On Guns in America

June 24, 2015


First day of kindergarten, 2042: 9 am: All tykes issued miniature semi-automatics with specially constructed, and adorable, mini NERF bullets. 9:15 am: Local NRA constable conducts safety training, passes out holsters, coupons. NRA mascot Glocky the Safety Bear dispenses lollipops in between prat falls and ‘Ow! I’m so dead right now!’ hijinks. Much necessary levity […]

Why Airlines Should Hire Mimes to Give the In-Flight Safety Demo

July 20, 2014


Observations from a recent plane trip to FLA… I’ve never understood why airlines don’t hire mimes to do the in-flight safety demonstration. Seems like such a missed opportunity. Can’t you picture a mime walking you through the life vest safety procedure with his invisible safety vest? He’d be pulling the invisible safety cords, then making […]

It’s Movember, Let’s Talk About…Balls

November 16, 2013


It’s Movember, and since I can’t grow a mustache to save my life, I’d like to take a minute to talk about…testicles. Hear me out. Ladies, I’m not going to pretend to know your struggles. Yes, a small hiccup in the chromosome distribution system has enabled one branch of the human gender tree to get […]

Give the Gift of New England This Halloween — A Special Offer from Bay State Language Systems

October 24, 2013


Bay State Language Systems, the country’s leading training authority in the upper-Northeastern linguistic sciences, is proud to bring you an offer that will transform this year’s Halloween into a frighteningly original all-ages celebration for the entire family. How often have you said to yourself, “You know, all the good Halloween costumes are taken.” Let Bay […]

Lazy Sunday: Sad New Dispatches from the Increasingly Most Marginally Engaging Man in the World

August 4, 2013


I usually eschew the first person on this blog, not out of any innate sense of modesty but because it implies I’m speaking to an actual audience. A better analogy for what goes on here might be this: me standing in the Housewares aisle at Target, making non-sequitur announcements through a bullhorn while people shop […]

Bud Light Unveils New “Dogsbreath” and “Soft Chewy Squirrel” Flavors

July 24, 2013


St. Louis, MO Anheuser-Busch senior director of brand strategy Riley Berringhauer today announced the release of two new flavors in the Bud Light product channel. “We’re extremely fortunate to be able to offer Bud Light drinkers two great, new ways to drink Bud Light: Bud Light Dogsbreath and Bud Light Soft Chewy Squirrel. I may […]

“Hot As a Motherfucker” Still Tops in Weather-Related “Motherfucker” Similes

July 17, 2013


The National Weather Service today named the phrase “Hot as a Motherfucker” the most popular weather-related “motherfucker” simile for the second straight year, narrowly edging out past winners “Cold as a Motherfucker,” “Windy as a Motherfucker” and sentimental favorite “Hot Out this Motherfucker,” according to a National Weather Service spokesperson. Honorable mentions this year include […]

100 Year-Old Jimmy Hoffa Found Working as Informant for Federal Jimmy Hoffa Task Force

June 19, 2013


Phoenix, AZ The search for Jimmy Hoffa’s body ended Tuesday when federal authorities found the former Teamster’s president dialing in a “tip” to FBI agents from a pay phone in his Phoenix-area assisted living facility. “My guy in New York says you need to look under the KFC on West Grand Boulevard in Melvindale,” Hoffa […]

This Week on Amish Mafia

May 2, 2013


This week on Amish Mafia: Jeremiah brings his Gun of the Hand to the Lancaster rumschpringa and says, “Ich bin die…” to Lindy Lengacher and the Herschberger-Schwartz clan. And the Swartzendruber sisters are on a bender — up to their bonnets in black-market wicker and gingham until a police chase ends in a buggy bust-up […]

Beef Ice Cream; It’s What’s for Dessert

March 11, 2013


Great ideas are born every day. Sometimes, they’re born of need (think of the cotton gin or the printing press). Sometimes, they’re born of necessity (the catapult, the ball peen hammer, my tin foil Hello Venus! helmet) and sometimes they’re just born, *poof,* out of someone’s brain for no other reason than just because. I’d […]

Winter Is a Promise

March 7, 2013


It’s snowing right now in Massachusetts. It’s snowing all over, I think. (I often wonder how they handle snow in other parts of America, if they fret and worry it the way so many of us in New England do.) At 11PM, it’s dark, save for a bare grey hue that back-lights the trees. Skinny […]

Trump Fires Hair. Hair Says, “Whatever.”

March 7, 2013


New York, NY Real estate tycoon Donald Trump is back in the news, firing his hair Thursday after learning it had inked a three-book deal with publishing imprint William Morrow. “My hair is fired,” Trump informed reporters. “It might have a book deal. It might have representation. But it is fired hair. It won’t work […]

Florida Man Calls Off Search for Missing Ham Sandwich

March 6, 2013


Punta Gorda, FL Herman Clemlittle, a retired accountant and self-described ‘deli meats enthusiast’ from central Florida, has shut down search operations for the ham sandwich he misplaced last week. “It’s taking too goddamn much time,” an exhausted Clemlittle complained. “I’ll just make another one.” A frantic Clemlittle telephoned security personnel in his gated retirement community […]

Parents Still a Gigantic Pain in the Ass, According to New Kids’ Poll

March 2, 2013


Results of the 2012 Fisher Price Kids’ Poll, an informal polling of randomly selected  children aged 2 to 12, were released Thursday, confirming what all children have long suspected: parents are a total buzzkill. “No!” pouts little Jessica Park, 3, of Bellevue, WA when asked if she thinks her parents are too strict. “YES!” she […]

We’re Number 8,124,118!!! Here’s How We’re Celebrating Our New, Improved Alexa Ranking

August 24, 2012


I had never known about the existence of the Alexa rankings until 5 days ago. If you’ve never heard of them- the Alexa rankings are a statistical ranking of websites based on analytics devised by Alexa- a company that bills itself as “the web information company.” I was made hip to this little nugget of […]

Nominated for “One Lovely Blog” Award, Furious Machine Disappears on Bender

July 19, 2012


Boston, MA Friends and family of WordPress blogger Furious Machine fear for his safety and well-being after he left a trail of destruction Wednesday night through greater Boston and Massachusetts’ Metro West. “We just want Furious to know that, no matter what he’s done, it’s okay to come home,” said a distraught Gloria Machine to […]

Helpful Mailman Reminding Everyone “It’s Not the Heat, It’s the Humidity”

July 18, 2012


Bethel, NY Local mail carrier Charles “Chuck” Shandell took to the streets of Bethel this morning, maintaining an unflappably chipper demeanor even as the world around him was wilting under the stultifying July heat. “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity,” Chuck stressed to all the folks along his route, adding that he couldn’t wait […]

7 Bananas Is More Bananas Than 5 Bananas, Monkey Scientists Confirm

July 12, 2012


A team of monkey scientists at the Collings Institute in Minneapolis confirmed Monday that 7 bananas is a larger quantity of bananas than 5 bananas, signaling a formal end to a debate that has raged in monkey circles for centuries. Already, experts are predicting that this startling revelation will prove a boon to the fragile […]

Striking Ventriloquist’s Dummies Begin Fourth Week Without Pay

July 10, 2012


Striking members of the International Brotherhood of Wooden Elocutionists elected to begin “phase 2” of their protest Monday, further prolonging a work-stoppage that has crippled geriatric entertainers and comedian Jeff Dunham. The “dummies,” among whose demands is the stipulation that they be referred to as “vocal reception engineers,” walked out, as it were, on June […]

Wisconsin Man Describes Inexplicable Urge to “Punch Mitt Romney in the Face”

July 9, 2012


A Wisconsin man gave voice to a growing conservative uncertainty Friday when he went public with a bizarre claim of blood lust. “I want to punch Mitt Romney in the face and I don’t know why,” a visibly confused J. Stanford Williams proclaimed. “I can’t stop thinking about it.” “I don’t know what it is,” he […]

Sexist Blog Post Offending Every Woman Who Reads It, Sources Report

July 5, 2012


A blog post made headlines Thursday when it began spontaneously generating its own sexist content and offending every female to come in contact with it. The post’s author, who chose to remain anonymous, apologized for the lack of oversight but explained to authorities that his original non-sexist post had been compromised, its words randomly deleted […]

Cartoon Man Flips Off Brooklyn Hipster, Escapes Into Night

July 3, 2012


Brooklyn, NY A cartoon drawing of a ’50s husband took umbrage with a Brooklyn hipster’s condescending comments Wednesday, springing to life and making lewd gestures before scrambling out an open window and disappearing into the night. The trouble began when 32 year-old graphic designer Barbara Sayles stumbled upon a ’50s-era home economics textbook left behind […]

Area Man Weighs In on That Whole “Men Think About Sex Every 7 Seconds” Thing

July 2, 2012


Syracuse accountant Stanley Diefenbacher announced Tuesday that he thinks about sex “two or three times a day,” and not every seven seconds as he’s been told is typical. Unsure as to what this admission says about his virility, Diefenbacher is increasingly concerned that news of his low-wattage sexual imagination will cause friends and family to […]

Eating That M&M You Just Dropped on the Floor Potentially Hazardous, Authorities Warn

June 29, 2012


New York, NY Authorities warned Tuesday that eating the M&M you just dropped on your kitchen floor could pose a serious public health risk. “It’s not the M&M we’re worried about so much as the hygiene level of your apartment in general,” explained NYC Health Department spokesman Victor Gonzales. “Your kitchen- it’s like a ptomaine […]

Strange Details Surface Regarding Kim Kardashian and Osama bin Laden, FBI Reports

June 28, 2012


Former al-Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden successfully avoided capture by hiding in Kim Kardashian’s rear end for 2 years, according to a new FBI report. The document, entitled “Examining al-Qaeda Evasion Techniques” and leaked to news outlets Wednesday, describes how the terrorist leader reportedly ensconced himself in the reality star’s posterior after she passed-out one […]

Cheddar Cheese Statue of Abe Lincoln Elected to SC Congressional Seat

June 27, 2012


Jasper, SC Citizens of South Carolina’s 2nd congressional district voted Tuesday to elect a cheddar cheese-statue of Abraham Lincoln to the House of Representatives, becoming the first district in American history to send an inanimate object to Congress. The general election comes on the heels of the conviction of former 2nd district congressman, Enos “Billy […]

Gefilte Fish Named Supermarket Today’s “Least Appealing Product” For 29th Straight Year

June 26, 2012


Narrowly edging out a few upstart contenders, the mighty Manischewitz Gefilte Fish has been named “Least Appealing Product” by the readers of supermarket trade publication Supermarket Today for an unprecedented 29th consecutive year. “It’s a stinky little fish train that just keeps on rolling,” says an admiring Mitchell Burr, Supermarket Today’s editor-in-chief. “We should probably make the award […]

Blogger ‘Good Greatsby’ Revealed to Be Talented, Handsome Android

June 23, 2012


San Francisco, CA Blogger “The Good Greatsby,” a prolific wordsmith whose daily comedy missives have titillated an adoring public and impressed an increasingly envious coterie of aspiring humorists, was revealed Tuesday to be an extremely high-functioning cyborg when he was attacked at the 2nd annual WordPress Now! awards banquet in San Francisco. Trouble began when […]

Metta World Peace Changes Name to “Stay Classy San Diego”

June 22, 2012


Los Angeles, CA Less than a year after a name change that had sports fans around the world scratching their heads, Los Angeles Lakers’ forward Metta World Peace is at it again, informing team officials this week that he has changed his name to Stay Classy San Diego. San Diego, upset that the humanitarian implications […]

Angry Mime Upset No One Appreciating How Angry He Really Is

June 21, 2012


Cincinnati, OH Monsieur Misto, a Cincinnati street performer famous for haunting the picnic areas of Fernbank Park, revealed Tuesday that his love affair with the art of mime is over as he now finds it an inadequate medium through which to express the full depth of his rage and hostility towards the world. Misto, commonly […]