An Idea Worth Considering: Tom Waits for President

Posted on August 9, 2016


Tom_WaitsIt’s here again: presidential general election season. Time, once more, to suffer through those ridiculous talking points and attack ads as the usual passel of rented baboons tries to bum-rush the electorate and steal the brass ring. It’s enough to make your brain go soft.

Is Tom Waits such an outrageous choice for President? Can a man whose catalog contains titles as glorious as God Is Away On Business and The Piano Has Been Drinking not have a tighter grasp on the human condition than Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton? We could certainly do worse.

Herewith, 10 likely adjustments to standard Presidential procedure if Tom Waits ever steals the keys to the kingdom:


10. Jockey Full of Bourbon becomes new national anthem.

9. State of the Union address delivered via bullhorn in dimly-lit corner of abandoned warehouse.

8. Four words: circus midget secret service

7. No more 3-week Camp David retreats. President Waits blows off steam blasting crows with 12-gauge shotgun in White House backyard.

6. Secretary of Defense replaced with very coked-up Keith Richards.

5. State dinner guests forced to wear fedora hats and recite Beat poetry.

4. White House tour renamed “One-Armed Tony’s Filipino Minstrel Show.”

3. Traditional press conference format replaced by extemporaneous verbal riffing piped through police radio.

2. Lincoln bedroom redecorated with Lincoln’s bones.

1. New presidential limo: ’39 Chevy with rumble seat chauffeured by conjoined Siamese twins.