Kindergarten NRA: On Guns in America

Posted on June 24, 2015


Screen Shot 2015-06-23 at 10.02.07 PMFirst day of kindergarten, 2042:

9 am: All tykes issued miniature semi-automatics with specially constructed, and adorable, mini NERF bullets.

9:15 am: Local NRA constable conducts safety training, passes out holsters, coupons. NRA mascot Glocky the Safety Bear dispenses lollipops in between prat falls and ‘Ow! I’m so dead right now!’ hijinks. Much necessary levity and practical safety training ensues.

9:30 am: Shooting range. Kids assemble in whatever part of the school previously housed art or music class, knock paint supplies and musical instruments off shelves and walls. A few shoot Glocky by accident (some shoot him on purpose) and quickly learn that shooting a live target is much more fun than shooting shit that doesn’t move. Glocky plays good sport but swears under his breath when he realizes he forgot to wear his cup, picks mini NERF bullets out of plaster and shelving and returns to tykes with cheerful pat on head.

10 am: Applied basic math concepts. ‘If Darcy pumps 3 shots into her assailant’s left leg, how many more rounds can she expect to fire before she needs to replace her magazine? How many more assailants can she expect to subdue?’

11 am: Recess. Tykes secure playground area with aggressive, yet adorably chaotic, assault on local meth addicts, pimps and assorted Duggar offspring. Valuable experience gained with risk assessment, crisis management and squeezing off rounds at live bad guys. After recess, NRA constable cheerfully checks off completed requirements on each kid’s Freedom Checklist. Cake, ice cream. Kids who previously shot Glocky shoot him again because it’s fun to hear Glocky swear. Glocky checks help wanted ads during lunch break.

11:30 am: Brief gun battle as teachers strafe local riff raff and secure entrance for arrival of armored child transport vehicle. Happy tykes board vehicle with adorable semi-autos proudly holstered as armored vehicle driver pats heads and offers words of encouragement. Guy manning the machine gun turret on top of the armored child transport vehicle takes off his sunglasses and waves to the kids before ‘assuming the position’ for ride home and trading fire with random baddies. Bullets aimed at armored child transport vehicle bounce harmlessly off 2” thick bullet-proof windows. Kids sniff the leather on their new holsters and talk about how stinky the NRA constable’s breath was.

Later that evening: Excited tykes swap stories with their parents (‘Son, I shot Glocky, too. Everybody shoots Glocky.’). Proud moment and right of passage as young Bobbies and Brendas put their new mini semi-autos into the family gun safe. Feelings of safety, empowerment, self-reliance.

Because it was never about the guns, or the obsession with the guns, or the fetishistic reverence for an amendment written by a bunch of wig-wearing farmers that has about as much to do with your right to own an assault rifle as Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy does with your right to deep-fry a turkey, it was about the bad people with guns ruining it for the good people with guns. If we have more guns, we can balance this shit out. We just need more guns.

Posted in: Marginalia