Give the Gift of New England This Halloween — A Special Offer from Bay State Language Systems

Posted on October 24, 2013

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Napoli beard Red Sox

What lurks in Mike Napoli’s beard? Awesomeness. And a few leftover onion rings from last nights post-game spread.

Bay State Language Systems, the country’s leading training authority in the upper-Northeastern linguistic sciences, is proud to bring you an offer that will transform this year’s Halloween into a frighteningly original all-ages celebration for the entire family.

How often have you said to yourself, “You know, all the good Halloween costumes are taken.” Let Bay State Language Systems come to the rescue! For less than the cost of a Miley Cyrus outfit, BSLS’s acclaimed linguistics engineers will transform you and your family into authentic New Englanders in less time than it takes to say, “Hey! Who ate the last fackin’ crullah!!”

Choose from a variety of authentic New England archetypes, like:

Little Red Sox Fan

After a small outlay for a Red Sox hat or jacket (not included), BSLS training will provide the linguistics modifications necessary to turn your toddler into a genuine embodiment of precocious New England sports fandom.

Imagine the laughs as your youngster looks up from the neighbors’ candy bowl and exclaims, “What, y’ain’t got any fackin’ Snickahs bahs? Git the fack outa heeah!”

Grumpy Joe Bean

What could be simpler than a hunting cap and a grumpy demeanor? BSLS engineers will coach you on the proper techniques for portraying this New England classic: the cranky old coot with a major jones for lottery tickets and weather reports.

Import a slice of authentic Chowdah Belt to this year’s big Halloween bash when you yell, “Turn off the fackin’ music! The weathah repaht’s about to staht!” then follow up with, “Fack! Get the cah! I forgaht to play my daily numbah!”

Bobby Sullivan from Walpole

With expert guidance from BSLS, don a piece of Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics or Bruins gear (sold separately) and channel the spirit of an authentic “Bahstin Chahlie.” Enjoy the befuddled looks on your friends faces when you sidle up and say, “Hey fucknut, how’s yah wife ‘n my kids? Ooh, could you grab my boxah shots? I think I left ’em undah yah bed last night.”

Watch this space over the next few days to take advantage of Bay State Language Systems’ complimentary three-part introductory series. If you elect to continue your training, simply make 4 low monthly payments of  $29.95 (plus a small processing fee) to receive an additional 8 lessons and complete your certification in the Bay State linguistic sciences. With a Bay State Linguistics Certification, you can:

  • Enjoy a 20% “member” discount on pumpkin spice muffins at any Dunkin Donuts franchise.
  • Charm your local law enforcement personnel with baffling entreaties like, “Hey, awffisah- my uncle Babbie’s a fackin’ co-op in Rihveeyah. Ya think we could just fahget this whole thing eva happened?”
  • Mingle anonymously in any Worcester or South Boston bar on your next visit to Massachusetts.
  • Amaze your friends with linguistic stunt work like “Dahnie ahdid fahty fackin’ lobstah pies fuh tamarrah’s pahty.”

Don’t wait- act now! Enjoy Bay State Language System’s complimentary introductory series and order the complete set of lessons for yourself, a friend or loved one. Become the first person on your block with an official Bay State Linguistics Certification!

Click here for Lessons 1 & 2 from Bay State Language Systems:

Bay State Language Systems- Lesson 1: A Brief History of Chowder 

Bay State Language Systems- Lesson 2: “Get the Fuck Out of Here” And Other Expressions of Endearment

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Posted in: Marginalia