100 Year-Old Jimmy Hoffa Found Working as Informant for Federal Jimmy Hoffa Task Force

Posted on June 19, 2013

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Phoenix, AZ

Jimmy Hoffa foundThe search for Jimmy Hoffa’s body ended Tuesday when federal authorities found the former Teamster’s president dialing in a “tip” to FBI agents from a pay phone in his Phoenix-area assisted living facility.

“My guy in New York says you need to look under the KFC on West Grand Boulevard in Melvindale,” Hoffa was overheard to croak as he puffed on an unfiltered Pall Mall and fidgeted with the regulator on his oxygen tank. “It’s one of those Taco Bell/KFCs. Start digging under the manager’s office. Heh. Heh.”

Jimmy Hoffa found

Proposed Hoffa Task Force dig sites for fiscal year 2013.

Hoffa, the reputedly mafia-connected union head who disappeared in 1975 and was officially declared dead seven years later, has been reportedly providing “information” to the FBI since at least 1984. A preliminary check of FBI phone records reveals that Hoffa Task Force agents fielded over six hundred calls between 2010 and 2012 from a pay phone at the Desert Terrace Health Care Center in suburban Phoenix, a nursing home that has allegedly housed Hoffa since 1999.

Special Agent Arnold Granfield, who heads up the FBI’s Jimmy Hoffa Task Force out of the Buffalo, NY field office, claims to be “stunned” that the operation’s prize informant, a man known to FBI agents as “Timmy Hoffer,” could have perpetrated a fraud of this magnitude.

“It’s beyond belief, really,” says a forlorn Granfield, fingering a push-pin as he admires a map on his office wall that depicts the seven thousand locations his unit has excavated since 1994. “It hurts, if you really want to know the truth. I thought we were getting closer every day. And now this.”

Jimmy Hoffa found

Tip #1046: Hoffa’s spleen and left tibula being stored inside a Slurpee dispenser at a Store 24 in downtown Cincinnati.

With nothing left to do but pick up the pieces, many experts foresee an enduring parade of embarrassment for the FBI as every move by the Hoffa Task Force will undergo extensive scrutiny and analysis by internal regulators.

“The amount of tax payer dollars that went to waste on this thing is staggering,” says Gary Samberlin, a Washington beltway security analyst and self described Hoffa-enthusiast. “Hoffa had them digging up every parking lot, 7-11, ballpark mezzanine and flower bed in Michigan and New Jersey. They’ll all be lucky to work as busboys when this thing is over.”

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Posted in: Marginalia, Politics