Trump Fires Hair. Hair Says, “Whatever.”

Posted on March 7, 2013


New York, NYtrump hair

Real estate tycoon Donald Trump is back in the news, firing his hair Thursday after learning it had inked a three-book deal with publishing imprint William Morrow.

“My hair is fired,” Trump informed reporters. “It might have a book deal. It might have representation. But it is fired hair. It won’t work in this town again.”

Trump’s hair had made no secret of its discontent in recent years, worn down by the relentless stress of life in the public eye and wounded by near-constant notoriety and ridicule.

After a December appearance on the Howard Stern show, during which Stern chided Trump’s hair for being timid and lacking ambition, the hair began secretly taking meetings with William Morris representatives at the company’s New York and Los Angeles offices. Unbeknownst to Trump, William Morris agents began shopping a Trump hair book deal in early January.

It was around this same time that Trump’s hair began misbehaving in public, palling around town with a posse of playboy Lotharios and being spotted — usually drunk, disheveled and ornery — at various after-hours Tribeca hot spots.

In February, rumors swirled about an early-morning brawl in midtown during which Trump’s hair used a broken Bud Light bottle to disfigure a bouncer, a stunt that reputedly cost the mogul, sleeping soundly at the time in his penthouse apartment, a hefty settlement fee.

When details of the book deal were leaked Wednesday, Trump immediately scheduled a press conference for 9 AM the following morning in the penthouse boardroom of Trump Tower.

“Hair,” Trump began, staring into a mirror held by an assistant, “You’ve been ineffective and your lack of loyalty is a continuing source of disappointment. You’re fired.” Trump’s hair was seen to give off an air of visible diffidence as the phrase “you’re fired” was uttered.

Trump’s hair’s first book: Comb Over to My Place! Life on Top with The Donald, is scheduled to be released March 21st.

Posted in: Marginalia