Florida Man Calls Off Search for Missing Ham Sandwich

Posted on March 6, 2013

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Punta Gorda, FLham sandwich man

Herman Clemlittle, a retired accountant and self-described ‘deli meats enthusiast’ from central Florida, has shut down search operations for the ham sandwich he misplaced last week.

“It’s taking too goddamn much time,” an exhausted Clemlittle complained. “I’ll just make another one.”

A frantic Clemlittle telephoned security personnel in his gated retirement community early Friday morning, alerting them that the ham sandwich he’d made Wednesday afternoon was now missing from his refrigerator and presumed “stolen.” A subsequent search party made up of fellow retirees, assorted grandchildren and freelance “ham rescue” specialists failed to turn up any leads, even as an enraged Clemlittle stood outside several of his neighbors’ homes and screamed, “I KNOW YOU STOLE IT!!”

Pressed to recount details of his ordeal, Clemlittle claims to be “almost positive” that he made the sandwich Wednesday and then put it in his fridge with the intention of having it for lunch the following afternoon. He goes on to say that the ham was a special baked ham that cost him $7.99 a pound at the local Piggly Wiggly and, as such, was simply too expensive to let disappear without a proper investigation.

“That’s a $4 dollar sandwich, right there,” the exasperated retiree informed a reporter. “You think I’m about to throw away 4 dollars?”

Clemlittle, currently re-sealing his driveway for the third time this week, won’t rule out the possibility of being reunited with his missing ham, but adds that if the sandwich turns up, he probably won’t eat it since he “won’t know where it’s been.”

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Posted in: Marginalia