Parents Still a Gigantic Pain in the Ass, According to New Kids’ Poll

Posted on March 2, 2013

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Picture 12Results of the 2012 Fisher Price Kids’ Poll, an informal polling of randomly selected  children aged 2 to 12, were released Thursday, confirming what all children have long suspected: parents are a total buzzkill.

“No!” pouts little Jessica Park, 3, of Bellevue, WA when asked if she thinks her parents are too strict. “YES!” she cries when it’s explained what “strict” means. “Too strick! Too strick! Too strick!!” she bellows, her tiny face contorting into a red rash of animus and rage. Park goes on to complain that she still hasn’t received the baby unicorn she requested as a birthday gift.

“NOT FAIR!” she screams fourteen or fifteen times as all the adults in the room secretly fantasize about killing themselves, before finally wearing herself out and dropping into a deep, restful sleep. Relieved observers, most without children of their own, make immediate plans to find a nearby bar and have a stiff drink.Picture 11

The Kids’ Poll, conducted at shopping malls and random Chuck E. Cheese locations around the country last fall, confirms what many panicked researchers say is a growing problem: America’s children are fed up — tired of being forced to wash their hands, go to bed early, eat leafy green vegetables and generally do things they don’t want to do when they don’t want to do them.

“We need to keep them away from each other,” says an anonymous Fisher Price researcher and father of four, whispering dramatically as he waves a reporter into a hallway corner. “If we don’t, they’re gonna organize. And if that happens? They’ll crush us all.” And with that, he pulls a flask out of his back pocket and takes a lusty swig.

Picture 10 copy 6Nathan Bremer, a 5 year-old budding baseball superstar, still fuming because his parents have refused to build him a life-size replica of Boston’s Fenway Park, echoes the sentiments of many children when he says, “I want it. Now!” Informed that the resources required to fulfill his request would take up two entire city blocks and cost several million dollars, Bremer nods enthusiastically and says, “I want it!”


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Posted in: Marginalia