Big Bird to Moderate Tonight’s Presidential Debate; Missing Jim Lehrer Feared Euthanized

Posted on October 9, 2012

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Big Bird. Mitt Romney.

Big Bird; preparing to “be the best bird I can be” for Tuesday night’s debate.

PBS executives today announced plans to install iconic muppet Big Bird in the moderator’s chair for Tuesday night’s presidential debate. In related events, Thursday’s previously scheduled moderator – CNN chief political correspondent Candy Crowley – and former moderator Jim Lehrer, are both reported missing.

Big Bird, the feathery, relentlessly upbeat 8-foot yellow muppet of unknown species and origin, became a hot-button topic during the first presidential debate when republican nominee Mitt Romney stated he would effectively de-fund him by eliminating the Public Broadcasting System subsidy.

“I’m sorry, Jim, I’m going to stop the subsidy to PBS,” Romney explained to debate moderator and PBS News Hour host Lehrer. “I like PBS, I love Big Bird, I actually like you, too,” he continued, “but I’m not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for,” he concluded, stepping away from his Chinese-made microphone as all the journalists in attendance typed notes into their Chinese-manufactured laptops and tablets.

the count

The Count; will reportedly count off the number of times Mitt Romney has flip-flopped on abortion. “Sixteen! Sixteen glorious times! Ah! Ah! Ah!”

A confused Jim Lehrer replied, “I…um…well…we should probably…” as Romney ignored him and launched into an unscheduled explanation of his willfully obtuse tax plan. An oblivious President Obama continued sexting his wife.

PBS president and CEO Paula Kerger responded to Romney’s claims the next day by pointing out that only 15% of PBS funding comes from federal subsidies. She also repeatedly dodged questions related to Jim Lehrer’s somnambulant performance as debate moderator. Later that afternoon, a windowless PBS van was seen leaving Lehrer’s house and his profile picture on the PBS website was changed to: “away on assignment,” despite the fact that the 78 year-old anchor hasn’t received an assignment since 1983. Unnamed sources are reporting that Lehrer was later “put down” at the PBS underground bunker in Cambridge, MA.

Big Bird. Mitt Romney.

The Swedish Chef: a recipe for Republican social policies.

PBS executives are rumored to be structuring Tuesday’s debate around the concept of a loosely-organized Muppets episode with scheduled appearances by Miss Piggy, Sam the Eagle and the Swedish Chef, whose butcher’s smock and cleaver will be covered in stage blood as he explains Republican social policies by chasing screaming chickens around the stage.

Vice President Joe Biden, a notorious loose-cannon famous for his awkward bravado and intemperate wit, will be gently mocked in a sketch entitled, “Uncle Joe Likes Scotch.” Later, Transylvanian muppet “The Count” will reportedly count off the number of times Mitt Romney has flip-flopped his position on abortion.

Other scheduled appearances include a special “phone a friend” portion of the debate, in which both candidates will contact selected muppets backstage for advice on political and personal issues, while a skit named “Beaker’s Head Go BOOM!” will feature Dr. Bunsen Honeydew attempting to explain the Romney tax code to his baffled assistant, Beaker. A new muppet: a green-foam representation of the number “716 billion” will spend the evening making sad faces as each candidate tries to blame his opponent for attempting to kill it off.

big bird. Mitt Romney.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker during rehearsals for the “Romney Tax Plan” sketch.

The debate finale, in which the muppets stuff Mitt Romney in a box and ship him to China, is expected to be the highlight of the evening for liberal viewers.

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Posted in: Politics