GOP: Obama Also Stole Nation’s Onion Ring Supply

Posted on August 30, 2012

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GOP Convention- Tampa, FL

GOP Convention Tampa

Continuing to blame the Obama administration for a host of perceived transgressions and failures, GOP lawmakers hammered the President Wednesday for failing to discover the lost city of Atlantis and for not inventing a 12-cylinder sports car that runs on Mountain Dew, among other things.

“President Obama promised to keep our UFO manufacturing plant open in downtown Albuquerque,” lamented New Mexico governor Susana Martinez. “But he lied, and now New Mexico no longer makes UFO’s,” Martinez whispered plaintively as a hushed crowd covered their mouths in shock.

It didn’t stop there. An unnamed Ohio delegate stepped to the microphone during a break in proceedings to relay the story of how “President Obama promised my 8 year-old daughter a baby unicorn for Christmas. Well, he sent her a present, all right. It was a dead gerbil. President Obama sent my baby girl a dead gerbil for a Christmas present.”

Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan lowered the boom during his closing speech when he declared that “America’s entire supply of frozen onion rings is currently under lock and key in a gigantic freezer under the white house bowling alley. THAT’S RIGHT,” he bellowed, “BARACK OBAMA HAS ALL THE ONION RINGS, AMERICA!”

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Posted in: Politics