Tales from the Republican Funhouse- Part 4: Things I Learned Watching the GOP Convention

Posted on August 29, 2012


Tampa, FL

It seemed cosmically appropriate that Hurricane Isaac would be bearing down on New Orleans as the GOP broke out their fiddles last night. Even more appropriate that Chris Christie, the party’s Nero-sized bacchanalian superhero-in-waiting, would be on hand to give the keynote address.

What commenced during a program of me-first showmanship most notable for its complete lack of regard for the man the party had gathered to nominate, was an orgy of bullshit so outrageous it made the Flat Earth Society look like the MENSA Board of Directors.

I’m biased, I know, but it takes a special group of morally elastic shit-suckers to profess to have their country’s best interests at heart even as they engage in the kind of craven, race-baiting wedge politics that make the depth of their contempt for the electorate obvious. The Republicans came loaded for bear last night, armed with a handful of selectively-fudged and invented statistics and hell-bent on making the general point that America sucks when you leave it in the hands of non-white people. Some things I’ve learned from the GOP convention so far this week:

-97% of Americans are black welfare recipients who want the government to raise their mutant, 3-eyed children and bankroll their crack habits.

-The average teacher earns $650,000 a year teaching our kids that God doesn’t exist. The NEA bought an island in Tahiti last year for future “teachers conferences.”

-World War II began in 1939 when the Democrats invaded Poland.

Other highlights of the GOP extravaganza so far:

Rick Santorum google problem

Are you receiving Rick Santorum’s telepathic “special message of love”? Note- approved recipients are attractive males between the ages of 18-27.

-Former Senator and roving GOP “Welfare and Homophobia Specialist” Rick Santorum gave an impassioned speech about how not listening to God can cause your penis to shrivel and turn your skin darker than the translucent, pearly white that Jesus intended, which will make your friends at the rotary club wonder if you really meant it when you said Toby Keith was your favorite country singer.

Of course, we all know what happens after that- you end up broke, homeless and gay, begging for french fries at the local Arby’s and blowing Catholic priests for cigarette money. After that, you land on the welfare- a hole so deep, you’ll spend the rest of your days eating Cheeseburger Helper and watching Game Show Network while you wait for your gay-immigrant lover to get his ass up off the couch and cash your benefits check at the liquor store. You wouldn’t want that, now would you? Rick Santorum is concerned you might. Santorum was last seen donning a pair of assless chaps and asking around about where the “fun” bars in Tampa are.

Chris Christie speech

“You with the nachos! Pass ’em up here. Let’s go!”

-New Jersey governor, Chris (“Then, I dipped it in bacon fat!”) Christie took a few moments to sing the praises of Burger King’s new Sausage Fries, then spent 15 interminable minutes bragging about the time he stared down a crowd of hostile special-ed teachers who wanted to beat him up and steal his box of pastries. “But I kicked the shit out of those commie union cocksuckers!” Christie barked as the arena went mad. “You want my pastries?” he taunted. “You can come and pry ’em out of my…” and then he coughed violently for a minute before horking up a half pound of undigested cocktail franks, wiping the greasy meat shmeg on his blazer as the entire arena made “ewww” faces and turned away.

“Where was I?” he continued. (Like a good poodle, Christie remembered to mention the name “Mitt Romney” when he heard the 1-minute bell, reminding the crowd that he, himself (Christie) wasn’t actually running for president and that they should probably vote for this “Mitt Romney” guy they’d been hearing so little about; Romney gave a small gratitudinous nod from his perch in the right-side opera box.) Christie’s presidential aspirations took a dive when he suffered a massive coronary as he tried to exit the stage. Stunned paramedics dislodged an entire belgian waffle from his esophageal tract.

Posted in: Politics