We’re Number 8,124,118!!! Here’s How We’re Celebrating Our New, Improved Alexa Ranking

Posted on August 24, 2012


alexa rankingI had never known about the existence of the Alexa rankings until 5 days ago. If you’ve never heard of them- the Alexa rankings are a statistical ranking of websites based on analytics devised by Alexa- a company that bills itself as “the web information company.”

I was made hip to this little nugget of information by a tweet from blogger Lesley Carter, whose Bucket List Publications percolates in the upper reaches of the blogosphere somewhere around the 57 thousand mark. Curious, I decided to look up my own ranking, not really knowing what to expect- only to run smack dab into the ego numbing, sphincter puckering number of “8,138,861.”

Eight million, one hundred thirty-eight thousand, eight hundred and sixty fucking one. I mean- god damn– how many websites are there out on the interwebs? Then, the insecurity kicked in. How bad is 8,138,861? Do they even rank sites lower than that? What’s everybody else’s rank look like? How’s my breath? Did I mention this shirt always makes me look fat?

In the end, like any hierarchical ranking, it’s all in the jaundiced and twitchingly envious eye of the craven, shallow beholder. And on that note, I’ll mention that when I checked my ranking again today, it had gone up to 8,124,118. That’s more than 14 thousand spots in 5 days, my friends. I. Am. On. Fire.

I consulted a statistician on this; the odds of climbing 14,743 spots in 5 days are simply astronomical. It would be like planting some pumpkin seeds in a pot of damp soil and coming back 5 days later to find some dirty pumpkin seeds trying really hard to grow themselves into itty bitty little pumpkins. Unbelievable! I’m so proud.

Here are a few ways I plan to celebrate this momentous accomplishment:

  • Pry open and guzzle the half-empty bottle of Thunderbird wine thats been languishing under our garage stairs since before we bought this house.
  • Draft nasty Ha!Ha! email and send to poor schmucks at 8,124,119 and 8,124,120 sites.
  • Invent big foam hand with 8,124,118 fingers. Create papier mâche prosthetic stump upon which to secure big foam hand with 8,124,118 fingers. Walk around waving big foam hand with 8,124,118 fingers and talk smack about how awesome I am at blogging.
  • Contact Malcolm Gladwell, thank him for his advice on that “10,000 hours of practice” thing.
  • Call the folks at website #7,534,872 and tell them to start looking in their rear view mirror. “Nervous yet, bitches?”
  • Call all my old girlfriends. “Yeah, how you like me now.”
  • Call all my old girlfriends back. “Sorry, it was the scotch. Do you still have any of my Little Feat CD’s?”
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Posted in: Marginalia