Chick-fil-A Supporters Speak Out Against Gay Chickens

Posted on August 1, 2012

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chick fil a anti gay

Chick-fil-A franchisees at Sunday’s “Chicken America” rally.

Two weeks after Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy stirred controversy by revealing a financial connection between Chick-fil-A and anti-homosexual groups, Chick-fil-A supporters are fed up.

Stung by accusations of intolerance and adamant that being intolerant is a way of exercising their free speech, many are speaking out against what they perceive to be an unjust prejudice against their prejudices.

“I have nothing against gays,” says Rhonda Badger of Columbia, SC, “but I’m sick of seeing gays act like it’s ok to be gay and I’m sick of people telling me I have to be ok with gays who act gay and hang out with other gays and act like it’s ok.”

Wendell Harris, an Atlanta IT specialist who enjoys eating at Chick-fil-A 2 to 3 times a week, says The Bible leaves very little room for interpretation. “When Jesus created the Earth 12,000 years ago, he created it for one man and one woman,” Harris says. ” He sure as heckfire didn’t create it for a couple of hairy guys with bushy mustaches and motorcycle leather. Who work out every day.” Harris pauses, getting a faraway look in his eye, “And wear tight, tight pants that fit too tight around the crotch area. And the buttocks…where the supple pull of leather can make the curves of a man’s behind look like a ripe Georgia peach in a pool of soft moonlight.”

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Protesters outside Jim Boner’s Delicious House of Waffles, where rumor of a Massachusetts connection stirred controversy Tuesday.

Southern grass roots groups have begun organizing in hopes of “turning the tables” against local businesses whose affiliations might be construed as Yankee-friendly and thus, “pro gays.”

Demonstrators in Spencer, WV zeroed in on a local waffle establishment after learning that the owner’s sister’s optometrist brother had once worked with a woman whose husband’s aunt claimed to have enjoyed having her hair cut by the nephew of a Massachusetts homosexual in the late 1980s.

Quickly springing into action, the group established an aggressive presence outside the restaurant, chanting “USA! USA!” and exhorting store customers to, “Go back to Queerachusetts, you fuckin’ faggots!” One protester held a wooden sign that read, “We have nothing against gay people,” using it to smack passing pedestrians he deemed as looking “too faggy.”

In related news, Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy has been curiously mum in recent weeks, though his company staged a rally Sunday for Chick-fil-A franchise operators and employees. Dubbed “Chicken America,” the event served as an occasion to “promote and celebrate biblical principles within the Chick-fil-A family.”

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Chick-fil-A executive chef Randall Wapner, conducting a brief symposium on proper breading and frying techniques.

Birth of a Nation was one of several “American-themed” movies screened. Other highlights included impassioned readings from Henry Ford’s Why Jewish People Suck and a special guest appearance by comedian Jeff Dunham, who debuted a new ventriloquist dummy named “Felix, the Vegan Yankee Sissy,” though most attendees were too busy drinking corn liquor and having sex with their cousins to pay much attention.

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Posted in: Politics