Nominated for “One Lovely Blog” Award, Furious Machine Disappears on Bender

Posted on July 19, 2012

2


The “One Lovely Blog Award.” The misunderstanding that started it all.

Boston, MA

Friends and family of WordPress blogger Furious Machine fear for his safety and well-being after he left a trail of destruction Wednesday night through greater Boston and Massachusetts’ Metro West.

“We just want Furious to know that, no matter what he’s done, it’s okay to come home,” said a distraught Gloria Machine to a smattering of assembled press outside the Westin Hotel in Boston’s Back Bay Thursday morning. “My brother is a kind and decent man,” she continued, “with an unfortunate predilection for cocaine, prostitutes and greasy Chinese food.”

The trouble began Wednesday evening when the satirist learned he had been nominated for the “One Lovely Blog Award” by fellow WordPress blogger “Don’t Quote Lily.” “I had no idea what he was so excited about,” says Marie Flannigan, the writer’s live-in girlfriend of 10 years. “He just started whooping and hollering and shouting ‘Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby!’ The next thing I know his car peels out of the driveway and he’s gone.”

Liquor store clerk: “He seemed like kind of a dick.”

From his home north of Worcester, the writer apparently then headed east, stopping at a liquor store near the Mass Pike to purchase $300 worth of champagne and tequila and telling Sullivan’s Liquors clerk Timothy Dagnelli that he (Machine) was about to become “rich and really, really famous.”

From there, the trail grows sketchy. Informed that conditions of his award nomination required Machine to list 7 random personal facts about himself, authorities now believe that a smashed urinal at a turnpike men’s room may have been the writer’s handiwork as they discovered the following written on the restroom wall in red lipstick:

1. All work and no play makes Furious a dull boy.
2. All work and no play makes Furious a dull boy.
3. All work and no play makes Furious a dull boy.
4. All work and no play makes Furious a dull boy.
5. All work and no play makes Furious a dull boy.
6. All work and no play makes Furious a dull boy.
7. All work and no play makes Furious a dull boy.

Front desk staff at the Westin Hotel report that Machine rented a room at approximately 9 pm and then requested that room service immediately deliver enough crab rangoons to feed 15 people. Informed that the hotel kitchen did not serve crab rangoons, the blogger replied, “You know who I am, right? I’m The Machine. Make it happen, baby.”

Machine’s room at the Westin hotel as it looked on Thursday morning. $8,000 worth of damage according to hotel staff.

At approximately 2 am, the blogger’s room was visited by 3 young women from Fat Joey’s Wicked Awesome Escort Service, a popular local hookery known to operate out of the nether-reaches of the Boston Craigslist. One of the young women reports that Machine appeared highly intoxicated and couldn’t stop babbling about other blogs he admired. “It was creepy,” the woman recalls. “He kept blabbing about these people like they were saints or something. He was really [messed] up. I remember he specifically mentioned Cheaper Than Therapyashleysthought, bread&crowsCommon Household Appliances, the wuc and Inkjot like they were all some kinda big deal. I was like ‘whatever! you got any more coke, [jerk]?'”

According to witnesses, the women departed the room shortly before 4:30 am after the writer learned that the “One Lovely Blog” nomination was a social-merit based honor without a cash reward. Enraged, he proceeded to destroy the entire suite before fleeing the hotel in search of a 24-hour crab rangoon stand and a bottle of malt liquor. Now, 2 days later, authorities are considering Machine a fugitive from justice and are preparing to issue a national all-points-bulletin if the Chinese food-enthusiast and fake-news-writing-Onion-staff-member-wannabe doesn’t turn himself in by Friday morning. Anyone with knowledge of the satirist’s whereabouts is asked to contact local police.

Advertisements
Posted in: Marginalia