Mayor McCheese Loses Reelection Bid, Becomes “Honorary City Councilor In Charge of Special Projects” McCheese

Posted on May 31, 2012


McCheese: Mayor no longer.

Ending a 40-year-run as the iconic Number 1 Public Official of McDonaldland, Mayor McCheese is stepping down after failing to win reelection and will accept an honorary position with the McDonaldland City Council.

“Let it be known that Remington McCheese’s many years of service and dedication to the people of McDonaldland are a legacy that I do not take lightly,” decreed Mayor-elect Gary Woodhaven during his victory speech from the ballroom of the McDonaldland Hilton. “As we move forward and begin restoring this city to its past glory, I expect to avail myself of Mr. McCheese’s counsel often.”

Woodhaven: vowing to “clean up McDonaldland.”

Woodhaven, who ran an energetic “reform” campaign that successfully painted McCheese as the figurehead of a corrupt and lawless regime, promised to clean up the criminal element that has taken over the city in recent years and turned it into a cesspool of illegal gambling, narcotics and prostitution.

McCheese, for all his iconic status, was almost universally considered an ineffective leader, frequently derided as “Mayor McMumbles” for his poor public speaking skills and “McSleaze” in reference to his reputation for trading influence for cash and sexual favors. Seen by many as incapable and unwilling to change the laissez-faire style of management that had come to define McDonaldland, McCheese had barely hung on to office in recent years.

The elusive Wroblewski brothers, caught on surveillance tape during an alleged break-in attempt at the McDonaldland armory.

Though unmentioned during his successful mayoral run, all McDonaldland residents know that if Woodhaven is to fulfill his campaign promise to clean up the city, he must find a way to neutralize the Wroblewski brothers: two soldiers from Chicago’s Polish mob who stumbled upon McDonaldland through an unmarked back door in 1997 and have run it as a criminal enterprise ever since.

Smart, patient and ruthless, the Wroblewskis have inspired such paralyzing fear that few politicians dare to even acknowledge their existence, lest they suffer reprisal.

McCheese, for his part, claims to have never heard of the Wroblewski brothers and talks up his impending transition to life as a city councilor with convincing enthusiasm.

There are still some locals who think the former mayor might be an asset to McDonaldland, despite speculation that his days are numbered now that his usefulness to the Wroblewskis has been compromised.

Posted in: Marginalia