WalMart Officials Apologize for Under-Performing Chinese Labor Slaves

Posted on November 29, 2011


Faced with a projected shortage of Christmas product this holiday season, sheepish WalMart executives are apologizing for the lack of production in their Chinese slave factories.

“It’s not something we saw coming,” laments Owen Morrell, WalMart’s acting International Minister of Youth Deployment, “but it’s something we should have been on top of.” As demand begins to outstrip production, desperate executives are working overtime to put more Chinese children to work and close the gap.

WalMart executive vice president Walter Garson points to 2010, the year WalMart bought thirty thousand 9 year-old Chinese children at auction, as the point at which things went wrong.

“The problem with buying 9 year-old laborers is that they eventually grow to be 13 and 14 year-old laborers,” laments Garson. “Once they get to that age, they no longer have the small hands needed to perform the delicate soldering and welding tasks we require of them.” Compounding the issue is the fact that older children are too large to help out when production machinery gets jammed, a situation that can cause cost overruns when textile machines sit idle. “The average 8 year-old Chinese child is small enough to easily crawl into a textile machine and remove debris that might be keeping the cutting blades from operating properly,” Garson explains. “But without enough 8 year-olds, we don’t have adequate personnel to diagnose these issues as they occur.”

Morrell, clearly embarrassed at his lack of foresight, has informed WalMart brass that he expects to bulk-purchase sixty thousand Chinese 5 year-olds early next year, a transaction that should eliminate a repeat of this year’s production crisis in the future.

Asked to explain WalMart’s slave labor policies in more detail, Morrell gets indignant. “Slaves, my ass,” he sniffs. “Slaves do what they’re told. You ask these goddamn kids to work 16 hours without a bathroom break and all you get is attitude.”

Posted in: Politics