Vanderbilt Study Names Rick Santorum Public Figure “Most Likely to Have Sex With a Goat”

Posted on August 11, 2011

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Rick Santorum; Vanderbilt study says closeness of eyes, goofy hair part, and general douchebaggery, among other traits, make him most likely to enjoy sex with goats.

Researchers at Vanderbilt University’s School of Behavioral Science are on the verge of publishing a study which could have a significant impact on the 2012 race for the Republican presidential nomination. Details, which have already been leaked to several major news outlets, involve an innovative new method for predicting deviant sexual behavior in humans. The shocking results? Former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum has been selected as the public figure “most likely” to engage in sexual relations with a goat or other farm animal.

Dr. David Blaylock, faculty head of Vanderbilt’s Department of Human Sexuality chaired the study and enlisted the services of two dozen behavioral scientists to aid in its completion. The team spent 12 years collecting research from around the globe, devising complex formulas that borrow from phrenology, astrology and statistical probability to predict likely outcomes in varying scenarios of human sexual response. After using these methods to accurately match reverse-engineered behavioral patterns in known sexual deviants, the research team applied their knowledge to a cross-section of 100 public figures and examined the resulting data. Dr. Blaylock explains, “The questions we’ve been looking to answer are: 1) what type of person is most likely to have sexual desires that can be classified as deviant and 2) how likely is that person to want to have sex with a goat or other farm animal as a result. Our research proves conclusively that Rick Santorum would very much like to have sex with a goat. Probably a large dog if no goats are available.”

Aside from the obvious damage to Santorum’s political aspirations, this revelation casts Santorum’s previous comments regarding homosexuality in an entirely new light. It was in 2003 that Santorum, then Pennsylvania’s junior senator, gave an interview to the Associated Press in which he made comments comparing homosexuality to child molestation, incest and bestiality, maintaining that state regulation of non-heterosexual acts was necessary to ensure America’s moral stability.

Goats: unconcerned about sex with Rick Santorum. Much more concerned about maintaining access to grass, berries, shrubs, etc.

Dr. Timothy Fairlight, professor of human sexuality at Loyola University, has begun using this interview as a way of teaching his students about anger and denial as they relate to sexually deviant behavior. “It’s quite clear that he’s in a fair bit of emotional pain when he gives this interview,” Fairlight says. “I’m sure just the act of saying the word “bestiality” was very difficult for him. What’s more, after watching the video of this interview I began to notice that Santorum was blinking his eyelids in a very odd manner. As I watched more intently it became clear that he was blinking in Morse code. He’s saying, ‘I wish I were having sex with goats right now. Lots of goats.’ It’s a cry for help, really.”

Irate liberals are already up in arms, seeking to limit Santorum’s access to goats while attempting to ensure general goat safety and well-being as Santorum continues his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination in goat-heavy strongholds across the country.

“We were absolutely horrified to learn that Rick Santorum is having sex with goats,” says congresswoman Dee Bastley (D-Maryland). “Our first concern is for the goats, naturally. Have these goats that Rick Santorum is having sex with been tested? Has Rick Santorum been tested? And, most importantly, what happens to these goats that Rick Santorum is having sex with after he’s done having sex with them?”

Former Senator Larry Craig: no sex with goats. Prefers to limit his sexual activity to men he propositions in airport rest rooms.

Bastley has begun drafting legislation for what she calls the “Ginger” bill, “Ginger” being the name of the Tennessee fainting goat Bastley’s family kept on their farm in the congresswoman’s youth. “Ginger was a wonderful creature,” Bastley recalls. “I can still picture her standing in my parent’s front yard, chewing the bark off a pecan tree. To think what could happen to her if she were alive today and came under the gaze of Rick Santorum’s lustful eye; it’s heartbreaking. We will protect the Gingers of this land from men like Rick Santorum.”

Disgraced Idaho Senator Larry Craig, a former compatriot of Santorum’s, weighed in on the scandal from the back stall of a men’s room near gate 32A of the Minneapolis-Saint Paul International Airport:  “I have known Rick Santorum for a great many years. Never in that time have I seen him so much as wink at a goat, let alone openly flirt with one or engage in any other act of obvious promiscuity with members of the goat community. While I have had occasion to hear Rick Santorum speak highly of goats he has known, I think all these rumors of Rick Santorum liking to have sex with goats are rubbish.”

House speaker John Boehner, wary of the growing anti-goat-sex liberal sentiment, points out that it “takes 2” to engage in this kind of behavior; namely a man who enjoys sex with goats and the goats themselves. Unwillingness to grasp the enabling characteristics that goats bring to the equation is a failure on the part of liberals, Boehner cautions. “Let’s not forget,” he says. “If goats didn’t exist we wouldn’t be having all this talk about Rick Santorum right now. If there are goats out there having sex with Rick Santorum, those goats have to take some responsibility for their own actions. If you were a goat, don’t you think you’d have an opinion about it if Rick Santorum came up to you and said ‘Hi, let’s have sex’?”

GOP: “Not so fast, liberals.” No government interference with goat-sex-having Republicans. “Not on my watch,” says Boehner.

Lost in all this “Rick Santorum having sex with goats” hysteria is the simple fact that the Vanderbilt study does not conclude that Rick Santorum has engaged in sex with goats, only that he displays a very strong likelihood of desiring to engage in sex with goats. That crucial distinction is causing considerable pain for the study’s authors, some of whom deeply regret the furor this confusion over their research has created.

“In determining that Rick Santorum is the public figure most likely to have sex with goats, it was never our intention to imply that he is having sex with goats,” says Blaylock,  “Just that, if he were, he’d probably enjoy it. Does that make sense? No? Ok, how about this- our study doesn’t prove that Rick Santorum has had sex with a goat, yet. It just proves that he’ll probably be having sex with a goat soon, if he hasn’t already. I hope that clears things up. I haven’t been able to get through a single day in the last two weeks without hearing the words ‘goat,’ ‘sex,’ and ‘Rick Santorum’ over and over. I’m just sick about it.”

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Posted in: Politics