Secret Service Agent Gives Account of Clinton, Richards Summit in Lower East Side Eatery

Posted on July 13, 2011

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According to Secret Service agent, Richards claims Charlie Watts shot him with a 25-caliber pistol sometime in '71.

On June 8th, former President Bill Clinton and Rolling Stones’ guitarist Keith Richards were spotted exiting the NYC eatery Craft after an informal night of dinner and cocktails. While a quick picture snapped outside the restaurant has been, up to now, the only evidence of the meeting (read related musings by one of our staff writers here: Keef and Bill Re-Enact ‘My Dinner With Andre’ « tedius the cat.), News Stories from a Parallel Universe was recently able to score an exclusive sit-down with one of several Secret Service agents on hand for the purpose of providing security for Mr. Clinton. To protect his identity, we’ll refer to our source as ‘Agent X.’ 

Parallel Universe News: Thanks for agreeing to meet with us. Give us a rundown of what your responsibilities are when a meeting like this happens.

Agent X: An hour before the dinner we do a standard ‘pre-screen.’ We sweep the place of business looking for weapons, explosives, etc. If we don’t find anything, we alert the president’s staff that the area is clean and safe for him to populate. An hour later, President Clinton arrives at the restaurant with 2 people from his staff in tow.

PUN: What about Mr. Richards?

Agent X: Mr. Richards didn’t arrive until a couple hours after that, looking a little confused. He wasn’t thrilled to see us. He looked a little pissy when we gave him the metal detector wand and the pat down. He also has a habit of calling everyone ‘Curly,’ like, ‘Hey Curly, is that a big gun on your hip or are you just happy to see me?’ and then he laughs this big raspy laugh like he just smoked a carton of cigarettes 5 minutes ago.

PUN: Metal detector? How did that go?

Agent X: Thing went batshit. After having him take off his rings, his earrings, his boots, his belt, his other belt, the silver beads in his hair, the scarves on his arm, we finally gave up. According to Keith, there’s a 25-caliber slug that’s been lodged in his left thigh since 1971. He says Charlie Watts plugged him one night in France after they got into a fight over some 14 year old groupie.

PUN: What happened next?

Agent X: I assume Charlie Watts took the groupie back t0…

PUN: No, I mean what happened with Richards?

Agent X: He probably grabbed his buck knife and…

PUN: AT THE DINNER.

Agent X: After he sat down at the table, we gave him the spinner.

PUN: What’s the ‘spinner?’

Agent X: The spinner is a small bio-mechanical device that detects trace amounts of narcotics and then interpolates a person’s general toxicity based on their approximate height and weight. You only need to point it at someone for about 5 seconds. It’s common to use it for public occasions like this because you want to know if the person you’re protecting is in the presence of someone who could pose a threat; someone who might be in a potentially violent or irrational chemical state.

PUN: So, what happened when you pointed it at Keith?

Agent X: When we aimed it at Richards, the spinner went fucking haywire. I mean haywire, never seen anything like it. I thought the thing was gonna melt.

PUN: How did Richards seem?

Agent X: Absolutely fine. A little antsy but we were warned ahead of time that antsy was standard behavior for him and not to be alarmed.

PUN: Geez.

Agent X: I know, huh?

Stay tuned for ‘Part II’ in a later installment as our source goes into more detail about that night’s dinner specials, Richards’ bizarre uses for non-dairy creamer, and Bill Clinton’s fondness for malt liquor and clams casino.

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Posted in: Music