Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to Induct David Hasselhoff, Journey

Posted on July 7, 2011

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Representatives of the multinational entertainment conglomerate Dante Seven Unlimited announced today that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has added the band Journey and solo artist David Hasselhoff to its roster of 2011 inductees.

Rufus Van Horn, media representative for public relations firm Seven Layer Fire, LLC, made the announcement from atop a shiny red zamboni as reporters, hastily assembled on the freshly frozen River Styx, sipped hot cocoa and bundled up in red wool sweaters supplied for the occasion. In the background, a coterie of bearded demons skated figure eights under a crimson sky dotted with winged pigs performing lazy aerial maneuvers.

‘Journey is a band that needs no introduction if you’re a fan of great rock and roll,’ began Van Horn. ‘They sold millions of records and toured often and many people came to see them and were happy to have done so. Their music videos were really great, especially the one for ‘Separate Ways’ which is probably the best video ever made about a bunch of guys standing in front of an abandoned warehouse pretending to play invisible instruments.’ Van Horn paused as light applause rippled through the crowd.

‘But,’ Van Horn continued, ‘we’re really here today to celebrate the power of their greatest achievement, a song called ‘Don’t You Stop Believing.’ A song about a boy from Detroit who took a train down south and found a lonely girl at midnight who later became his wife. It’s a song that taught us all not to stop believing in the power of heroes and trains. I know I speak for everyone when I say to all the guys in the band: Clark, David, Bradley, Ralph, Zachary, thank you for making such a lasting impression on us for so many years. Thank you for the music.’

After a brief intermission, during which Van Horn donned a fresh pair of skates and swapped his wool scarf for a cashmere Hermés, assistants rolled a six-foot high portrait of David Hasselhoff to center ice. Picking up his prepared remarks as a light snowfall enveloped the proceedings, Van Horn pointed towards the Hasselhoff portrait and leaned into the microphone.

‘David Hasselhoff ,’ he intoned, ‘is the guy we first noticed on the show Knight Rider. We later noticed he was making TV movies here and there but I really became a fan when he made Baywatch and brought bouncing titties back to prominence.’ With this Van Horn pumped the air with his fist as all the Dante Seven employees in attendance broke into spontaneous hoots and hollers. Several demons, big, leering grins stretched across their cadaverous faces, began feigning sexual intercourse, prompting even louder cheers.

‘We were shocked to find out he had a singing career and even more shocked when we heard him sing,’ Van Horn continued to general laughter. ‘But, what the fuck, it’s been almost 30 years now; why should an artist of David Hasselhoff’s caliber be left out in the cold? He’s sold over 20 million records in Germany. He’s tall. He mixes the best parts of cabaret, supper club music, MOR, AOR, AOL, and adult contemporary into a completely unique style that’s totally original and all his own. Plus, he’s a really great dancer. To David Hasselhoff,’ said Van Horn, raising his cocoa and signalling the rest of the crowd to join him, ‘Welcome to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, my friend.’

Journey and David Hasselhoff can expect to be féted when the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame gathers for its annual induction ceremony on October 17th. Check your local listings.

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Posted in: Music