Rewriting History: Archie Bunker

November 13, 2016

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Bunker, a lovable old coot with passionate opinions about “spics, coons, fags, and queers,” was a refreshing reminder that old-world white male attitudes were still acceptable in the changing moral climate of the early 1970s. ‘All in the Family,’ the TV show that launched the Archie Bunker character into American popular culture, was initially interpreted […]

Posted in: Politics

An Idea Worth Considering: Tom Waits for President

August 9, 2016

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It’s here again: presidential general election season. Time, once more, to suffer through those ridiculous talking points and attack ads as the usual passel of rented baboons tries to bum-rush the electorate and steal the brass ring. It’s enough to make your brain go soft. Is Tom Waits such an outrageous choice for President? Can […]

Posted in: Marginalia, Music, Politics

On Birds, Fifth Graders and ‘We Will Rock You’

May 8, 2016

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So I’m sitting here looking out the window and thinking to myself that I must be getting old because I’m totally in love with the concept of #birds. I mean, how awesome is it that there are these little creatures that flit around chirping and trilling and they come in all shapes and sizes and […]

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Posted in: Marginalia

Monkeys Frighten Me

December 1, 2015

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You wanna know what really terrifies me? #monkeys   They’re out there, just waiting for that evolutionary intelligence upgrade to kick in.  And when it does? We’ll be toast; running for the hills while they rifle the bank vaults and taunt us in their little scooters.

Posted in: Marginalia

In Response to: ‘Phil Collins Is One of the Most Important Musicians Alive’

September 18, 2015

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furious machine/phil collins

Thanks to the miracles of Facebook and the Interwebs, I came across this article on a site called ‘Shortlist’ the other day: http://www.shortlist.com/entertainment/music/heres-why-if-you-dont-love-phil-collins-then-you-are-wrong It’s a short piece. Read it if you’re so inclined. The gist? This Shortlist writer considers Phil Collins to be ‘one of the most important musicians alive.’ We all have our differences […]

Posted in: Marginalia

American Masters on PBS: Nutty About the Nuge

August 16, 2015

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The American Masters series and the Jane Goodall Foundation for Excellence in Simian Endeavors join forces for the first time to explore the life and work of musician, pundit, dried animal jerky entrepreneur and unincarcerated pedophile Ted Nugent, a human/orangutan halfbreed, who has had an extraordinary career in the musical arts. Filmmakers Derek Ben-Duron and […]

Posted in: Marginalia

Kindergarten NRA: On Guns in America

June 24, 2015

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First day of kindergarten, 2042: 9 am: All tykes issued miniature semi-automatics with specially constructed, and adorable, mini NERF bullets. 9:15 am: Local NRA constable conducts safety training, passes out holsters, coupons. NRA mascot Glocky the Safety Bear dispenses lollipops in between prat falls and ‘Ow! I’m so dead right now!’ hijinks. Much necessary levity […]

Posted in: Marginalia

My ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

August 12, 2014

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Ok, I’m slightly frustrated, but actually slightly heartened, that Facebook and YouTube kiboshed my Dylan-tribute ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video for copyright infringement. Anyhoo, here it is, in all it’s goofball glory (note — expand it to full screen if you want to actually read the signs):

Posted in: Marginalia

Why Airlines Should Hire Mimes to Give the In-Flight Safety Demo

July 20, 2014

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Observations from a recent plane trip to FLA… I’ve never understood why airlines don’t hire mimes to do the in-flight safety demonstration. Seems like such a missed opportunity. Can’t you picture a mime walking you through the life vest safety procedure with his invisible safety vest? He’d be pulling the invisible safety cords, then making […]

Posted in: Marginalia

Farewell, Good Friend

June 20, 2014

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June 18th, 2014 Our son Oliver died today. He was twelve. He was a cat. Yes, I know calling him ‘son’ is a bit of a stretch, especially to people who don’t have animals or whose hearts aren’t shaped in that very specific way, but that’s what he was — a son. My girlfriend and […]

Posted in: Loss

It’s Movember, Let’s Talk About…Balls

November 16, 2013

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It’s Movember, and since I can’t grow a mustache to save my life, I’d like to take a minute to talk about…testicles. Hear me out. Ladies, I’m not going to pretend to know your struggles. Yes, a small hiccup in the chromosome distribution system has enabled one branch of the human gender tree to get […]

Posted in: Marginalia

Give the Gift of New England This Halloween — A Special Offer from Bay State Language Systems

October 24, 2013

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Bay State Language Systems, the country’s leading training authority in the upper-Northeastern linguistic sciences, is proud to bring you an offer that will transform this year’s Halloween into a frighteningly original all-ages celebration for the entire family. How often have you said to yourself, “You know, all the good Halloween costumes are taken.” Let Bay […]

Posted in: Marginalia

Fox & Friends Blows Lid Off Obama’s Secret Underground Alien Sex Colony

October 9, 2013

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New York, NY The Fox News Network’s morning show: Fox & Friends, continued a recent hot streak Wednesday when host Steve Doocy revealed details of an underground alien sex colony in Kenya operated by President Obama and other top Democrats. “President Barack Hussein Obama and his liberal harem have, for years, been re-routing defense department […]

Posted in: Politics

Lazy Sunday: Sad New Dispatches from the Increasingly Most Marginally Engaging Man in the World

August 4, 2013

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I usually eschew the first person on this blog, not out of any innate sense of modesty but because it implies I’m speaking to an actual audience. A better analogy for what goes on here might be this: me standing in the Housewares aisle at Target, making non-sequitur announcements through a bullhorn while people shop […]

Posted in: Marginalia

Bud Light Unveils New “Dogsbreath” and “Soft Chewy Squirrel” Flavors

July 24, 2013

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St. Louis, MO Anheuser-Busch senior director of brand strategy Riley Berringhauer today announced the release of two new flavors in the Bud Light product channel. “We’re extremely fortunate to be able to offer Bud Light drinkers two great, new ways to drink Bud Light: Bud Light Dogsbreath and Bud Light Soft Chewy Squirrel. I may […]

Posted in: Marginalia

“Hot As a Motherfucker” Still Tops in Weather-Related “Motherfucker” Similes

July 17, 2013

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The National Weather Service today named the phrase “Hot as a Motherfucker” the most popular weather-related “motherfucker” simile for the second straight year, narrowly edging out past winners “Cold as a Motherfucker,” “Windy as a Motherfucker” and sentimental favorite “Hot Out this Motherfucker,” according to a National Weather Service spokesperson. Honorable mentions this year include […]

Posted in: Marginalia

100 Year-Old Jimmy Hoffa Found Working as Informant for Federal Jimmy Hoffa Task Force

June 19, 2013

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Phoenix, AZ The search for Jimmy Hoffa’s body ended Tuesday when federal authorities found the former Teamster’s president dialing in a “tip” to FBI agents from a pay phone in his Phoenix-area assisted living facility. “My guy in New York says you need to look under the KFC on West Grand Boulevard in Melvindale,” Hoffa […]

Posted in: Marginalia, Politics

New Lynyrd Skynyrd Guitarist ‘Enjoying the Ride’

May 9, 2013

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Jacksonville, FL Three months ago, Jimmy Lynn Montgomery was just happy to be scratching out a living on the southern club circuit. After two decades lost to alcohol and substance abuse problems, he knew he was lucky to be alive and making music at all, even at backwoods roadhouses for $50 a night. Today, as […]

Posted in: Music

This Week on Amish Mafia

May 2, 2013

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This week on Amish Mafia: Jeremiah brings his Gun of the Hand to the Lancaster rumschpringa and says, “Ich bin die…” to Lindy Lengacher and the Herschberger-Schwartz clan. And the Swartzendruber sisters are on a bender — up to their bonnets in black-market wicker and gingham until a police chase ends in a buggy bust-up […]

Posted in: Marginalia

Beef Ice Cream; It’s What’s for Dessert

March 11, 2013

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Great ideas are born every day. Sometimes, they’re born of need (think of the cotton gin or the printing press). Sometimes, they’re born of necessity (the catapult, the ball peen hammer, my tin foil Hello Venus! helmet) and sometimes they’re just born, *poof,* out of someone’s brain for no other reason than just because. I’d […]

Posted in: Marginalia

Time Traveling Reporter Worried He Might Unsuspectingly Erase Own Exis

March 8, 2013

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Posted in: Posted In

Winter Is a Promise

March 7, 2013

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It’s snowing right now in Massachusetts. It’s snowing all over, I think. (I often wonder how they handle snow in other parts of America, if they fret and worry it the way so many of us in New England do.) At 11PM, it’s dark, save for a bare grey hue that back-lights the trees. Skinny […]

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Posted in: Marginalia

Trump Fires Hair. Hair Says, “Whatever.”

March 7, 2013

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New York, NY Real estate tycoon Donald Trump is back in the news, firing his hair Thursday after learning it had inked a three-book deal with publishing imprint William Morrow. “My hair is fired,” Trump informed reporters. “It might have a book deal. It might have representation. But it is fired hair. It won’t work […]

Posted in: Marginalia

Florida Man Calls Off Search for Missing Ham Sandwich

March 6, 2013

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Punta Gorda, FL Herman Clemlittle, a retired accountant and self-described ‘deli meats enthusiast’ from central Florida, has shut down search operations for the ham sandwich he misplaced last week. “It’s taking too goddamn much time,” an exhausted Clemlittle complained. “I’ll just make another one.” A frantic Clemlittle telephoned security personnel in his gated retirement community […]

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Posted in: Marginalia

Parents Still a Gigantic Pain in the Ass, According to New Kids’ Poll

March 2, 2013

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Results of the 2012 Fisher Price Kids’ Poll, an informal polling of randomly selected  children aged 2 to 12, were released Thursday, confirming what all children have long suspected: parents are a total buzzkill. “No!” pouts little Jessica Park, 3, of Bellevue, WA when asked if she thinks her parents are too strict. “YES!” she […]

Posted in: Marginalia

Big Bird to Moderate Tonight’s Presidential Debate; Missing Jim Lehrer Feared Euthanized

October 9, 2012

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PBS executives today announced plans to install iconic muppet Big Bird in the moderator’s chair for Tuesday night’s presidential debate. In related events, Thursday’s previously scheduled moderator – CNN chief political correspondent Candy Crowley – and former moderator Jim Lehrer, are both reported missing. Big Bird, the feathery, relentlessly upbeat 8-foot yellow muppet of unknown […]

Posted in: Politics

GOP: Obama Also Stole Nation’s Onion Ring Supply

August 30, 2012

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GOP Convention Tampa

GOP Convention- Tampa, FL Continuing to blame the Obama administration for a host of perceived transgressions and failures, GOP lawmakers hammered the President Wednesday for failing to discover the lost city of Atlantis and for not inventing a 12-cylinder sports car that runs on Mountain Dew, among other things. “President Obama promised to keep our […]

Posted in: Politics

Tales from the Republican Funhouse- Part 4: Things I Learned Watching the GOP Convention

August 29, 2012

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Tampa, FL It seemed cosmically appropriate that Hurricane Isaac would be bearing down on New Orleans as the GOP broke out their fiddles last night. Even more appropriate that Chris Christie, the party’s Nero-sized bacchanalian superhero-in-waiting, would be on hand to give the keynote address. What commenced during a program of me-first showmanship most notable […]

Posted in: Politics

We’re Number 8,124,118!!! Here’s How We’re Celebrating Our New, Improved Alexa Ranking

August 24, 2012

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I had never known about the existence of the Alexa rankings until 5 days ago. If you’ve never heard of them- the Alexa rankings are a statistical ranking of websites based on analytics devised by Alexa- a company that bills itself as “the web information company.” I was made hip to this little nugget of […]

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Posted in: Marginalia

Batman and Akin; the Continuing Adventures

August 22, 2012

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Posted in: Politics

Keef Chronicles: The Keith Richards Reader

August 2, 2012

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Last June, a funny thing happened: two people got together for dinner. One was a former U.S. President, state governor, law school graduate and general all-around “doer of good deeds” who has dedicated his life, with a few notable transgressions, to public service. The other was a former junkie of spectacular notoriety, founding member of […]

Posted in: Music

Chick-fil-A Supporters Speak Out Against Gay Chickens

August 1, 2012

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Two weeks after Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy stirred controversy by revealing a financial connection between Chick-fil-A and anti-homosexual groups, Chick-fil-A supporters are fed up. Stung by accusations of intolerance and adamant that being intolerant is a way of exercising their free speech, many are speaking out against what they perceive to be an unjust prejudice […]

Posted in: Politics

Chick-fil-A to Serve Only “Gay Chicken” Sandwiches at New Boston Franchise

July 26, 2012

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Boston, MA Representatives of Atlanta-based Chick-fil-A today announced an agreement with Boston city officials to allow for the opening of a Chick-fil-A franchise by the end of 2012. According to sources, Boston’s Chick-fil-A store will serve “only chicken sandwiches made from gay and lesbian chickens,” as a condition of the agreement. The news comes on the […]

Posted in: Politics

Doppelgangers! A Republican Parlor Game

July 23, 2012

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Posted in: Politics

Nominated for “One Lovely Blog” Award, Furious Machine Disappears on Bender

July 19, 2012

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Boston, MA Friends and family of WordPress blogger Furious Machine fear for his safety and well-being after he left a trail of destruction Wednesday night through greater Boston and Massachusetts’ Metro West. “We just want Furious to know that, no matter what he’s done, it’s okay to come home,” said a distraught Gloria Machine to […]

Posted in: Marginalia